an Airman's Heart

Okay, so this is the first time I’ve gotten more than five minutes to just...sit here. It’s a rare occasion and usually when it happens, I sleep, or talk to my fam on the phone or web cam. Okay so here's the thing...or things, b/c there's a lot.

First of all I want to thank all of you for being a part of my life. basically everyone who reads this, (unless i don't know you) you've all been important to me at one point or another. and i couldn't be more greatfull for the influence you've all had in my life. (I’m telling you this, not to make an excuse but in hope that you might understand where I’m coming from. So bare with me, b/c it’s kinda long.)

Second I’ll jump right into why my lines of communication have been non existant. So basic puts you through a lot stress. It breaks you down and then they build you back up the way they want you to be...in a sense, brain washing. Actually that’s exactly what it is. I’m the same person; I just have a completely different lifestyle. That part is a little hard to explain.

And in basic, you’re always thinking “I guess it’s not that bad” you get through the end of the day and you think “that wasn’t that bad…only 48 more of these days to go.”. Just imagine me…for 2 months, not being able to laugh, or see my kids…I got to talk to Sebastian once. In basic world, 1 day feels like a week. I felt like I would never make it out of there. But then I did, I was out. Then after I graduated from basic, I got to see my family for a couple of days. And I was off to my next phase, tech school.

When I got to tech school I realized how depressed I was in basic…but in basic you don’t see it like that, bc you’re doing whatever you can to survive and stay at least half way sane. So you think as long as you made it through another day, you were just fine. So at tech school I finally got to be myself again. Only, I realized that myself wasn’t exactly who I use to be. I grew up a lot in two months. I became more independent. And I started to think about a lot of things going on in my life. School was really hard, and with juggling school, keeping up with my family, and meeting the new me, things got really stressful, and I started to not do that well in school. And then I failed out. The day I lost my job I cried all day, I felt like I let my family down, and let myself down. And I let the air force down, which is something that’s really important to me now. I was on details for 3 months…which is basically when you do janitor work all day, for 8 hrs…only for about 6 of those hrs, you’re sitting around doing nothing. Which is very exhausting. So anyway, I got reclassed, and when my flight chief told me that I got re classed in cardio, I couldn’t have been more excited. Medical is what I wanted in the first place, and to get a second chance instead of them just kicking me out…I literally started crying when he told me.

Now I’m here, at Sheppard, school is very time consuming and I’m also an airman leader and mentor. My free time almost doesn’t exist. Now here are the reasons why my lines of communication have...well, sucked. Being here is very hard being away from family, but you learn in basic that there are three types of people, the type of person who does whatever they can do to thrive and adapt, the type of person who can’t, and the type of person who maybe can’t but make it by somehow, but will probably eventually get weeded out. I’ve figured out that I’m the type to thrive and adapt. So being away from my family and calling them and just staying in my room and talking to them was kinda bringing me down, b/c even though I wanted to talk to them, it put me in that lazy depressive mood like I just wished more and more every time I talked to them that I was with them. So I started making friends and making a new family…not to replace the amazing one I already have…but a support system to keep me going when my real family maybe can’t. So on the weekends when I have that free time we always have something planned.

Of course I try to leave time everyday, 7 days a week to talk to my boys. But here is what my schedule looks like: mon- I have to be out to form up super flight at 6:30 and march to school. (yes we march everywhere we go when in uniform.) School gets out at 430, and then we march in super flight back to the dorms, and get there by 5 and immediately get changed for pt. pt usually last till about 630. After pt I go eat, and then I call the boys, and then I study, then take a shower then bed by 10 Tue: form up for super flight, at 630 and march to school. School gets out at 430 march back, pt at 5, ends at 630. Dinner, call boys, study for less time then Monday b/c I have a hallway meeting at 9, then shower, then bed at 10 Wed: super flight blah blah, home from school by 5. I go eat, no pt, but airman leader meeting at 6, usually goes till about 7. Then help out with drill evals after that, then call boys, then homework, then shower, then bed by 10 Thu: super flight, blah blah home by 5, pt till 630 got eat, talk to boys, study, bed by 10 (I have at least one test every day.) Fri: super flight blah blah, get out of school at 4 and we march over to the base theatre for final form, it’s this thing when the entire squadron goes to the base theatre and we get talked to, or sometimes at for about an hr by all the people who have lots of stripes or brass. Usually get home from that at around 630 go eat, shower, talk to boys, and then I go out with friends b/c they are what keep me sane here. We usually stay up till like 4 in the morning watching movies in the day room so then I sleep and usually wake up around 10 or 11 on Saturdays. (Except this Saturday b/c I’m the rope on duty and that starts at 8) and then I usually talk to my boys for a long time, and see them on web cam. Then I go eat lunch, then I study some, and then I go out with friends, and the previous night is repeated. Then Sunday morning is very similar to Saturday. Only while I’m talking to my boys I do laundry and then I study, and then I go to church at 2 then I eat dinner, then on Saturday I have a gi party. (Where the whole dorm has to be in by 730 to clean. )and since I’m a rope (airman leader) I have to go around and make sure everyone is doing their job, while I still have my own room and hallway to clean, so when everyone else gets off at 830 I’m usually still cleaning. Or putting clothes away or something. Then I got to bed early. And on Monday it starts over. Since I’m a mentor…any of the free time mentioned above is often taken by me showing new airman around and helping them out. And making them feel at home here and helping them find their family here, and teaching them how to survive.

Okay and here's some big stressors:
I’m treated like a kid here. Everything is so specific and you get in trouble for little stuff…like being 2 minutes late for my 10 curfew during the weekdays. And b/c I’m an airman leader, while I love the job; it also adds a lot of pressure b/c I’m held to a higher standard, in school and at the dorms. So I have a spot light on me at all times, and I have to be perfect, all of the time. Second would be being away from my family. Caydon is going to 18 months old soon. When I left he was 9 months old. I’ve been away from him, for the same amount of time that I was with him...i've litterally missed half his life. and sebastian is saying so much more now. This whole process have brought sebastian and i closer somehow...he's a little bit of a mamas boy :) I’m a mother first, that’s who I am….and to not be with them kills me. And last….I guess I’m just saying, this is what I’m going through, I’m sorry I don't call or write all the time. I feel horrible…I’ve never felt like a failure so much as what I do here…but at the same time I feel like I’ve achieved so much more here in the last 8 months then I have my entire life, it’s very enlightening.

so there it is. i love and miss all of you so much. i think about you guys everyday! so here's the thing, if you want to communicate more, your best bet is to call or text. i do always have my phone with me. so if you do that i'll at least text you back in the same day. :)